And when I die

It is a Valentine's Day today and it feels like an ideal time to post a very romantic text to celebrate love and fascination as it's finest.

And when I die I want someone to tell you how much you meant to me. You occupied all my thoughts; you were the person behind every song I listened to. Your eyes were so beautiful to me but not because of the green colour or the long eyelashes, it was all about the way you looked at me and about the story you were telling me through those eyes. You were the first thing I thought about when I woke up at the morning and the last imagined before I fell asleep. And then again I dreamed about you and I, with our hands under the blanket, tied into one. You were the place my mind went to when it searched for peace.

You never really realised how much you mean to me and even when I cried for you I knew it was worth it. You made me feel special with all the words you told about me, with all the moments you defended me against your friends’ jokes and all the doors you held open for me. Those days when we lied in your bed and you gave me all the love you had I was on the top of the world. I felt loved and I felt in love with you. I never told you. I was too scared because I didn’t feel like it would ever matter. You were every girl’s dream and just the fact I had the privilege to spend time with you felt like it was enough. You made me feel happy, just the thought of you made me happy. You brightened up my days with your presence and I was overwhelmed by your thoughts. In my eyes you were so clever and wise. I loved to listen to your opinions and idea, I loved to watch you think out loud, you were such an inspiring person for me. Not just with the art you made, all the paintings and handmade gifts, you inspired me with your lifestyle and I absolutely loved your view of the world.

You had your flaws, of course. Everybody has their flaws, but I felt special to have the opportunity to tell you what I did and did not like about you and watch how you try to change just for me. You were selfish, a lot. I hated that, but when it was just you and I, you were different. You cared about me. You would always ask if I am okay, or you would try to warm me when I was cold at night, you lend me your sweater in a shop, just to be sure I was not freezing. You always gave me your honest smile and I knew you really felt happy at the time. Quite a lot people told me you were selfish but I always said you were be the best when you cared. They asked me what I love about you the most, but I was worried they would fall in love with you when I showed them who you really are. I could tell them the difference between three of your smiles. The one smile you smiled just to be polite - that smile you gave to a shopping assistant when we went for a bread and wine to have a better evening. Then the second smile you had when someone told you something pretty, you felt blissful at the moment. But then you had the smile for me. That one smile where I could see your childish teeth and the wrinkles next to your eyes. This smile was not just about the mouth brightening up your face. It was when you smiled with your eyes, I could see the spark in them. The true happiness that flooded your body. I have never ever felt like this with some other person. I could feel my heart trying to jump out of my chest when you were holding me in your hands. Your body was pressed against mine and I still tried to pull you closer. Your every kiss made my body uncontrollable; it was a miracle that I could still stand on my feet because it felt like I am flying when you held me in your hands. I took you as I took pills to feel better, to soothe the pain. You were the strongest painkiller for my body and my soul. I loved how cute you could be. How you giggled and how you liked to point out ambiguities in other people’s talks. But what I loved even more was how you could easily become a leader in bed and did your job very well at that. I still remember my heavy breath when you touched my skin, how I got goose bumps when you kissed my neck and marked me as your own. Or when you just took my body and made me scream louder than I could have ever imagined. And the moment after sex when we were lying next to each other and you smiled at me, hugged me tight and kissed me on my forehead before we fell asleep. Drunk you on top of sober me. And later my attempt to cure that hangover with lot of junk food, coffee and Ed Sheeran’s voice. You asked me to just lie next to you and cuddle you. You put your head on my chest and listened to my heart beat the whole time, because you said it makes you feel comfortable in every situation.

I want someone to tell you you were the most important part of my whole life and that every breathe I took was just to get another opportunity to meet you, to talk to you, to be with you. I tried to write poems about you but my words couldn’t describe my feelings for you.

I want someone to tell you I loved you.